I’ve been divorced for two years. It took me a long time to come to the conclusion that I wanted out of my marriage, but I was too afraid to let him go. I will never know if it will ever feel normal to be single, since I was in this relationship for fourteen years. But if I look back, I married for all the wrong reasons. Since I can remember I’ve always been a dreamer, and adventure drives my soul. He was the total opposite of what I was. But at the time it seemed like the right thing to do, and got married.
What I didn’t realize is how many people were invested in my marriage, and the negative impact it would cause to divorce. My family and friends made it clear how angry they were with my decision. I would get random visits to convince me that I was making a huge mistake. I was already feeling scared, and doubt was something that kept lurking throughout my challenging days. All the advice and why I should remain married to my ex-husband only reinforced the conclusion that I was making a mistake. At times I wanted to run back to him so he could make me feel safe again. My little circle loved him so much, because he was a really good man. My mother would cry, and beg me to get back with him. She told me I would regret it someday, and that my children would suffer. My mother voiced her opinion loud, and clear when she told me that I would end up alone, and that I would never find a good man. I love my mother, but I had to speak up, and I clearly remember yelling “if his such a good man and you love him so much, why don’t you marry him”. I can still see her shocked expression in disbelief, and hurt. I just didn’t know how to quiet everyone around me.
I have learned so much and I do understand all the concerns, and advice. Is it easy? the answer will have to be “NO”. I worry about how this affected my two beautiful boys. Their adjusting to my decision, and my children have also voiced loud and clear how unhappy they are with the change. “It’s your fault daddy left”. Will I ever be able to repair their broken hearts? I ask myself this everyday.
My second chance starts since I made the choice to start over regardless of all the obstacles that came, and continue to come my way. I’ve learned how to not take things to personal, and that everything is a learning experience. I see the good even in the worst. I smile when I write my last paragraph, because I have learned to find my voice. I’m learning to love myself, how to cherish every day. Most important I’m learning how to be a better mom, sister, daughter, friend.